Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
You Might Also Like
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife