Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
But is it really??
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I can’t be the only one 😂
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Pat is about to own someone
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”