Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
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It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.