my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.