*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
? 💀
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.