I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.