Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
😂😂😂
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there