POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You Might Also Like
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
lmfao come on
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.