the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.