Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Always…
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.