Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I created you as mosquito food.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white