The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
every. time.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
So, can we agree on 4 or
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.