A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids