That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.