didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
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UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Sign at work today
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.