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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*