Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID