Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
You Might Also Like
no refunds
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Not helping
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors