How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
You Might Also Like
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem