Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.