Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.