*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
🚲+physics = winner
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.