As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
$3 #books
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend