My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.