Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.