Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Welcome
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.