Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows