Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles