[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
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Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Wednesday