What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
You Might Also Like
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no