I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
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“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words