GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !