There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
You Might Also Like
Left at a local drug store…
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
The real reason evolution started..😂
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.