There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.