Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
not to brag, but mine was free
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger