Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.