*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
My safe word is Worcestershire
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”