In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
This is the coolest video you will see today.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.