Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Nice try, poison.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Today’s Times
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.