Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.