This guy gets it.
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope