Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Deer are just ballerina dogs
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.