9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Can Happiness buy money?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?