My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
You Might Also Like
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
This classic never gets old . . .
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you