It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Every house has this drawer
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.