I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…