A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”