I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Accurate
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I was bored.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.