The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow