Oh my god
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.